My rendition of “Taken”

So I’ve realized my blog is slowly turning into a housing of broken promises. I promised you stories and damn it I need to deliver.

So I will start with my trip home from California.

At this point everything was going very smoothly, I boarded the plane and found my seat. It is immediately brought to my attention I am sitting in a window seat in a two seat isle. Not a problem. When I locate my assigned seat I find that there is an average built middle aged Chinese business man sitting next to me and possibly he assumed he bought both seats because his very large carry-on was snugly buckled into my seat. So I grab his attention and politely gesture that his bag is in my seat.

When he looked up to make eye contact with me you might have thought that I just told this man I am a representative of Ed McMahon and he just won millions of dollars. He then made a very clumsy attempt to rip his bag out of my seat and shove it into the compartment above so as not to miss me settle into my seat. As soon as he saw I was reasonably comfortable he offered me his hand in greetings and began to question me about my trip.

Man: Hello!

Me: Hello…

Man: So you are going to Shanghai?

Me: Yes only for 24 hours.
(I’m hoping that’s where I’m headed seeing as our plane makes no other stops.)

Man: Well if you need anything ANYTHING… you come to me.

Me: alright…uh thanks.

So I ignore the creepy factor, put on my headphones and fall asleep. I would occasionally awake from my slumber to see how far away the drink cart was or what movie was playing. I started to notice every time I open my eyes my travel buddy would quickly look away or pretend to be admiring the airplane wall paper. A good 7 hours of this and I am aware that this man is watching me sleep. The whole time. Looking like a kid at Christmas eager for me to wake up. Now the dinner cart came around 3 times. The trays equipped in my seat fold out from the armrest and my partner felt it was his duty to unfold my tray into my lap every single time. Ok whatever thank you guy. It was only until he discovered the large tattoo on my foot and took it upon himself to grab my foot and start rubbing it that I felt I may have a problem. Images of Liam Neeson keep flashing through my head. And I know for a fact nobody is going to search every Chinese mafia house for my body. I try to keep the conversation at a extreme minimum and after 13 hours we finally reach Shanghai. The last glimpse I had of my potential kidnapper was him at the luggage claim strategically placed across from me….staring.

I love the orient and all it has to offer but being an “exotic” commodity here definitely has its down sides.

These god damn things.

They are so good and I consequently but them in bulk.

I’m pretty sure there’s a catch to them being so delicious, like they are riddled with nanobots or a new sterilization drug.

I’m sorry. It’s Tuesday and it’s getting a little weird in here.

Currently

in China.

Almost home. Almost home. Almost home.

And I will have a fun story for you when I get there.

I have been…

so sick. I was trying to decide whether to write my last will and testament or buy stock in NyQuil.

Also I went to yoga yesterday and learned how to lick my own back.

I’m just tired and ready to be tanning on a sunny beach.

This is what I can only assume is what Hitler would look like if he was animated into chair form and cast in a children’s show.

15 days until I am stateside.

Thank you baby Jesus.

Just another day in paradise.

For most of you who don’t know….this is what a Japanese toilet looks like. Before arriving in Japan I was fully aware what to expect and how to control the situation. What I was not prepared for was last Saturday night.

Last Saturday I participated in a pub crawl that was actually a drinking/ running club get together. Upon arrival of the fourth bar I asked one of the ladies where the restroom was

Lolthisbitch: Hey where is the restroom?

Her: Its that door right there!

Lolthisbitch: Are you sure I just saw somebody walk in there….

As she throws open the door and announces “No the girls’ side is open!”

I really should have contemplated that comment a little longer than I did.

I walk into the bathroom ,which is tiny, and immediately notice that I am not alone. To my right I see a Japanese man hunched over a urinal. So I bolt into the stall and try to lock the door…I’m not sure if I was that drunk at this point or if that stupid lock was just extremely difficult but it took a good 2 minutes to latch it.

And so I wait…..I didn’t want to just pull my pants down and go! There was a man 5 feet away from me! Peeing is kind of a intimate thing with whom the only person I am comfortable sharing is my best friend. And that relationship itself took a good 10 years to build. Another thought crossed my mind. What if they make bathrooms this way to satisfy some weird fetish? So after the longest pee on record the guy finally leaves and I break the record for fastest pee and get the fuck out of that bathroom avoiding eye contact with the said peeing man’s section of the bar.

When the night was over I approached a trusted expert on Japanese customs and asked him if what I just experienced was a norm in Japan and apparently I’m just the last to know. 

I’m going to be in California in 3 weeks and I’m going to cherish every minute of it.

Going to Tokyo next month and then immediately jumping on a plane to California to spend St Patrick’s /Birth of the most amazing person ever day in the gas lamp district where I have already made preparations for a very romantic lesbian birthday dinner followed by large quantities of alcohol.

I’m kind of awesome.